Small Disclaimer from CryptoKait: Hi all, in case it is not obvious, this blog is meant to be satirical and does not reflect the views of NCL, the NCL Player Ambassadors, the CryptoKait site, or even WebWitch (the author who took this idea and knocked it out of the park!). Let us know what you think in the comments.

Large Disclaimer from Web Witch. THIS IS SATIRE. 🙄

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long, but now it is time for me to take the superhero mask off and reveal that I was a villain this whole time!

As a proper supervillain, I must be silent NO LONGER and now tell you all the reasons you SHOULD NOT play in the National Cyber League (NCL) Games.

1) Learning Is Overrated

Nobody likes learning in a classroom and nobody likes learning in their free time! Why would you waste your precious video game time on a live competition where you can grow your cybersecurity skills in a gamified environment? It’s all a ruse to turn you into a tech nerd—free yourself!

2) Security Means Nothing to You

Whenever you get online and share your information, you shouldn’t be worried about security at all because large companies keep your data secure all the time with no issues and have never done anything shady with your data in their life! You don’t need to know the ins and outs of how data is stored and transferred; sites and businesses always use the best blockchain-5G-gigabit-quantum-malware-anomaly-breach-detecting security protocols that are impossible to hack. Or so says the little disclaimer at the bottom of their site…

3) If You Don’t Know Everything Already, You’re Not Going to Make It

Cybersecurity is an ever-evolving field with new vulnerabilities being discovered every day. That’s why if you don’t know absolutely everything about cybersec right here, right now, in this very moment, you might as well just give up all hope. You hear that voice inside you saying that you’re just an imposter? Well, you don’t even know enough to even pretend you have imposter syndrome! Obviously everyone has spent decades learning all the ins and outs of every technology out there before diving into the field, right?

4) You Want to Be a *REAL* 1337 Haxx0r

All those tech and cybersec gatekeepers are right: your opinion only matters if you learned all your security skills from underground haxx0r forums in the early 1990s. Learning in college? Pathetic. Getting support from local cybersec communities? Gross. Signing up for a cybersec competition to further improve your skills and make connections in the field? If you’re not wearing a black hoodie and chugging an energy drink every 30 minutes to keep up with your anti-social behavior online, what are you even DOING with your life?

5) The NCL Is for Kids—Real Hackers Compete in DEFCON

Compared to DEFCON, the NCL is a baby CTF only for BABIES. Why would you spend any time on a CTF that’s designed to cater to multiple levels of difficulties for budding cybersecurity students when you can get your ass handed to you in DEFCON by teams of 30+ hackers who have been in the field for 20+ years? That’s the way REAL hackers train. If you can’t get past the qualifying round? Too bad. Looks like you weren’t cut out for the field anyway.

6) Supportive Communities Are Way Too Cringe

Everyone knows that communities where folks lift each other up and push each other to learn are just sooooo last week. Imagine having positive relationships with others that help you grow as a person and discover new passions. Ew, what do you think I am? A simp? Showing Real Feelings™ is just weakness. I’m totally alone and okay with that because who needs other people, amirite?

7) Working as a Team SUCKS

Have you ever done a group project in school? I rest my case.

(Pay no attention to the fact that there are both Individual and Team Games [where a team can be 1 person if you’d like!], and you can participate in whatever way you’re most comfortable with.)

8) Acquiring Skills Outside of Your Job/Major Is Useless

If you’re not planning on going into cybersecurity as a career, you definitely don’t need to know anything about it. Employers HATE well-rounded applicants who show interest or dedication to different subjects. Everyone knows that we live in a capitalist workforce where you should be nose-to-the-grindstone about your one job and shouldn’t be interested in anything else. No siree!

9) You Don’t Care About Job Security

The only jobs that anyone should strive for are doctor, lawyer, or astronaut. Anything outside of that is just useless.

It doesn’t matter that some studies show that the “cybersecurity workforce needs to grow by 62% in order to meet the demands of U.S. businesses today” and there are approximately 4 million unfilled cybersecurity jobs as of 2019. Job security? Benefits? An ever-changing field filled with interesting new discoveries? Who needs all that when you can be making the Big Bucks?

(Oh wait, cybersec can definitely get you that, too…)

10) You Simply Have Better Things to Do

Why would you stay inside to be a tech nerd when you could go out and #party! I’d rather go and hang out with friends IRL than do an online competition, duh! There’s totally nothing going on right now where we’d need the community to minimize in-person contact to reduce risk of disease transmission or anything.

Of course not.

For better or for worse,
EVIL WebWitch